You vs. Irrational Behavior: Win Any Negotiation with These Tactics

In my years as a hostage negotiator, I've faced some of the most intense, high-emotion situations you can imagine. But here's the thing: whether you're dealing with a hostage-taker or a disgruntled coworker, the principles of handling irrational behavior are surprisingly similar. Let me walk you through how to navigate these tricky waters.

Recognizing Irrationality: Do NOT Problem-Solve

First off, when someone's acting irrationally, whether they're bipolar, manic, or just in a bad headspace, you need to recognize it. Don't jump straight into problem-solving mode. That's a common mistake I see in negotiations all the time. People want to fix things right away, but when someone's not in the right headspace, they're not going to hear your solutions.

If you haven’t seen or experienced one of our training exercises - the "60 seconds or she dies" scenario - I recommend watching it (link at the end of this article). It's a perfect example of why you can't problem-solve with someone who's not thinking rationally. Instead, you need to use some key skills: Labeling and Mirroring.

Mirroring is particularly powerful. When they say something, repeat it back with an upward inflection, like you need more information. They'll start giving you their perspective, their rationale. Even if it seems way out in left field, it's giving you insight into their thought process.

Three main reasons why people attack you in a negotiation:

1. They're under a lot of pressure on their side to get it right: they’re worried about past mistakes or the consequences of getting it wrong this time
2. They don't think you're listening to them. (Pay attention to this one! It’s most often the culprit.)
3. They’re manipulating you. (Notice this one is listed last. It should only be the answer when the first two reasons are eliminated!)

All of these tie back to one of our Laws of Negotiation Gravity™: the fear of loss is the single biggest driver of human decision-making and behavior. When people feel they're not being heard and understood, they can start to talk irrationally.

Here's the kicker: most of you don't figure out the 'why' behind the behavior because they don't take the time to get out of your own way. You're stuck on what you want to say, not listening to what the other side is saying. And when someone attacks you, your natural instinct is to attack back or prove how smart you are. But that's just going to hurt you in the negotiation.

I always tell this story about a conversation at my nephew's wedding. One lady mentioned her nephew had COVID and was on a ventilator. Instead of expressing sympathy, the other lady tried to one-up her, saying she had two relatives in that situation. She thought she was building rapport, but she was competing. The first lady walked away thinking, "I can't stand that woman. She's always trying to one-up everyone." The second lady never even realized what she'd done.

It's the same in negotiations. When people are angry or upset, that's when you have to control your own emotions. Sometimes you have to Label yourself internally. “It seems like I’m getting upset.” Or you can ask yourself, "Why am I getting upset? What's bothering me about what they're saying?" This helps you diffuse your own emotions.

In the end, dealing with irrational behavior comes down to a few key things:

1. Recognize when someone's not in a rational state.
2. Use labeling and mirroring to understand their perspective.
3. Figure out the 'why' behind their behavior.
4. Manage your own emotions.
5. Don't rush - give the process time.

Whether you're in a high-stakes hostage situation or dealing with a heated argument at work, these principles can help you navigate the choppy waters of irrational behavior. Remember, people just want to feel heard and understood. If you can do that, you're already halfway to a resolution.

Link to 60-Seconds or She Dies on Negoation Mastery