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The Premise of Likability vs. Being Liked in Negotiation
In negotiation, the concepts of being likable and being liked are often confused, yet they are distinct. Understanding the difference and leveraging likability strategically can be the difference between a successful negotiation and a missed opportunity. This article explores this crucial distinction and how negotiators can use likability to their advantage, irrespective of whether they are genuinely liked by the other party.
The Difference Between Being Likable and Being Liked
You can never really control whether someone likes you or not. That’s ultimately going to be a personal decision that they make based on a variety of circumstances and variables. In other words, being liked is outside your control. It's a choice made by the other person, influenced by factors that often have nothing to do with the negotiation at hand.
However, being likable is within your control. It’s about how you conduct yourself during the negotiation. Likability is all about not being a threat to the other side. This is where the concept of Tactical Empathy® comes into play. Likability is about "comporting yourself to be approachable, amenable, collaborative." You might not be liked personally, but if you can remove yourself as a psychological threat, you can make it easier for the other party to engage with you productively.
Removing yourself as a threat should be a mantra for every negotiator. At the end of the day, that’s what we’re trying to accomplish. People put up defenses when they feel threatened, and these defenses can derail a negotiation. By being aware of this and actively working to remove any perceived threat, you increase your likability and the likelihood of a successful negotiation.
Tactical Empathy®: The Key to Likability
Everything The Black Swan Group teaches about Tactical Empathy® centers around removing oneself as a threat. "If I’m not likable, if I’m a threat to the other side, that’s all they’re thinking about—their dislike for me and why I make them uncomfortable". Even if you're presenting a brilliant argument, it won’t be heard if the other side is distracted by their negative emotions toward you.
This is why Tactical Empathy® is so critical. By subordinating yourself to the other side—letting them speak first, showing understanding, and deferring where appropriate—you can significantly reduce the psychological threat you pose. The more you do that, the more of those negative things that the other party is thinking about you are mitigated. This improves their ability to think clearly and engage with you.
The Benefits of Being Likable in Negotiation
When you’re likable, you’re not just reducing the other party’s negative emotions; you’re also enhancing their cognitive ability. Negative emotions act like a telescope, narrowing the other side’s field of vision and distorting their perception. By being likable, you help them view the negotiation more objectively, increasing the chances of reaching a favorable outcome.
Additionally, being likable has a biochemical effect on the brain. When you remove yourself as a threat and show genuine interest in the other party’s perspective, you trigger the release of chemicals that make them feel better. Even if the negotiation doesn’t result in an agreement, they will not balk at the opportunity of having a similar discussion with you in the future. This sets the stage for ongoing dialogue and potential future success.
A Main Pillar of Tactical Empathy®: Curiosity
A primary pillar that supports Tactical Empathy® is staying curious. Staying curious means entering every conversation with the assumption that there is something new to learn about the other person. Even if you think you know them well, approaching the conversation with curiosity allows you to discover new insights that can be valuable in negotiation.
Staying curious also helps you from reacting when you are triggered. Most reactions to a trigger are negative. Negative reactions incline you to behave in a way that puts the other person on the defensive and the only reason people get defensive is when they are…wait for it…threatened. This is the antithesis of what we are trying to accomplish during negotiations.
Focus on Likability, Not Being Liked
In negotiation, being likable is a strategic choice that you can control, while being liked is not. By focusing on Tactical Empathy®—staying curious and removing yourself as a threat—you can increase your likability and create a more conducive environment for productive negotiation. Remember, it’s not about being liked; it’s about making it easier for the other side to engage with you, leading to better outcomes for all parties involved.