One of the most memorable learning exercises I remember as a hostage negotiator was conducted in the parking lot of our local police department. We often conducted joint training operations with the SWAT team to encourage familiarity and continuity of mission amongst our respective teams, as we routinely responded jointly to call outs. I enjoyed the realistic feel of our mock negotiations during these exercises.
Our negotiation team met inside and was divided up in pairs. We were advised that we would be responding to what appeared to be, a domestic violence incident. We were instructed to engage, as appropriate, to deescalate the situation. It was obvious that we would be expected to negotiate given the reason for the training.
My partner and I were escorted out of the building and into the parking garage. As a city cop, I had responded to and deescalated multiple domestic violence situations. This wasn’t too far outside of my wheelhouse, and I was ready to get some training in. But, this time, it would be different.
I could hear a heated argument as I approached the couple. They were staged between the parked cars in the parking garage. They both sounded angry. She was agitated and yelling loudly at him as they circled each other in the lot. I quickly realized and noted that the male subject was holding a handgun by his side. Game changer! We were now in a life and death scenario.
My partner and I went for the closest cover. I grabbed my weapon then grabbed the female role player as we moved for a nearby vehicle. I recall tackling her to the ground, next to me, behind the car. I ensured she had no weapons. She exhibited compliance by staying in a squatted position as the negotiation began. We called for backup, but as this was a training scenario, we knew we were unlikely to get more role players in to change the dynamic. This was about the negotiation. My partner began to verbally engage while we held our position and the angry suspect at gunpoint.
The negotiation seemed to be going well. The primary engaged with Labels, Mirrors, and Summaries and continued to apply every skill she was taught. We watched carefully for the need to use progressive force. The need to employ tactical measures is a fine line. One that every street cop knows very well. We continued, as a team, to work toward addressing the negative emotions and dynamics of the armed male subject. Negotiations seemed to be going well. They called an “actual stop”, a command used to halt a scenario immediately. We were escorted back into the building so the next team could have an opportunity to walk through the same scenario.
I walked away feeling pretty good. No one got hurt. We were able to separate the parties, and the negotiation seemed to be moving along well, at the point that it was stopped. I was very surprised and disappointed when we were advised of a terrible mistake that we made while negotiating. We let a hostile; armed individual get too close. My lieutenant advised how our way of handling the incident, had it been real life, placed us in a position allowing us and the female subject to be seconds away from the tragic loss of our lives.
Protecting yourself, while protecting others, isn’t as clear as it seems. Risks can be easily overlooked when the desired solution and the end to a problem seems within reach. My partner and I got tunnel vision. Police negotiations are not comfortable. That’s part of the job. The stakes are high and the negotiations are intense. We saw a win in a high stakes negotiation and went for it, not realizing we could have been walking ourselves into a huge loss.
We never established a kill line; the walk-away-point in a negotiation. The stop the threat line. The kill line is an imaginary line marked by organic objects within the environment. Think fire hydrant, telephone pole, or the front right bumper of the Toyota Rav 4 parked in the garage. It is the line that, if crossed, will cause you to terminate the interaction. In other words, it is the line where talking will stop and threat mitigation starts. We were in an amygdala highjack and had lost sight of the risks involved with the lure of what seemed to be movement toward a solution.
This was a great lesson. One that I take with me through life. Don’t miss the forest for the trees. Don’t be so focused on the desired outcome that you take risks that could have undesired outcomes. Sometimes there is no deal. Sometimes we ignore all of the signs that indicate there is no deal or worse yet, a bad deal. Yet we plow ahead anyway, hoping everything will be ok. This is a lesson that translates well in the private sector.
Its not uncommon for a new salesperson or company to spend money and time working towards getting to a deal that, in retrospect, they would have paid to never be a part of. What does this mean? It means don’t lose perspective. Establish a kill line and be aware of red flags.
Fear of loss is the number one driver of human decision making. We are driven by our own fears, and sometimes, that fear is losing a perceived win. It’s important to slow down and widen your perspective. See the big picture.
In the police negotiation training scenario, it was up to me, as a coach, to realize we were in harm’s way. I realize that now. People show you who they are if you are open to receiving and analyzing the information. If the stakes are high, and you’re finding yourself taking risks in life, grab a coach.
In a business negotiation, you need to trust your team, your advocates. Find someone who you know has your best interest at heart, and have them raise any red flags in the deal to you. You really need to trust your partner on this. This can be difficult when you are at the cusp of a successful negotiation. I’ve seen too many people continue to work with others because they believe they can make it work, only to be disappointed later. It’s important to trust your coach (and your gut) enough to be guided and self-aware enough to understand that what you feel may be wrong, and what your coach is perceiving may be right. Trust them enough to allow them to help you draw the kill line.