How to Stop Negotiating With Yourself

The Black Swan skills are fascinating.  Developing them each day keeps your mind nimble and your relationships bomb-proof.  Some challenges help you get stronger as you work through them.  Negotiating against yourself is one monster everyone faces, and most people don’t have The Black Swan Group on their team to help them win that fight.  

Working for a police department, I encountered and took part in this behavior regularly. It was prevalent for leaders and first-line people alike to respond to a suggested solution—or identification of a problem—with a statement like, “I can’t tell them that.” Many assigned tasks were delivered with the preamble, “they are going to want…” These assumptions were terrible for morale, innovation, problem-solving, and all other productive measures. Negotiating against yourself is a universal issue, and while police departments may be very accomplished at it, we can all damage our negotiations and sensitive conversations when we do it.  

What makes us inclined to negotiate with ourselves? After all, none of us were trained to do that. Often, we let our insecurities get in the way of our success. We do not want to confront tough topics. Our belief that we already know the background and structure of what we face is another reason we say to ourselves, “I know how this conversation is going to go.” If we feel we have already covered a topic, we might think, “They already know.” This mindset, which often disguises as problem-solving, limits our ability to demonstrate Tactical Empathy®.

What steps can be taken to curb this destructive habit? 

Learning from Black Swan coaches will provide the strategies you need to keep your inner voice from working against you. A solid work ethic is crucial, though! The most effective thing you can do is keep your curiosity turned all the way up. This takes practice. Do not be tempted to take a shortcut by internally claiming to understand that which you have not tested using the Black Swan Method.  Listen, really listen to the other side. You are trying to determine what logic and emotions they are attaching to their perspective. Listening with genuine curiosity is powerful by itself.  

When I find myself thinking, “I can’t tell them that,” I know it is caused by a fear of bringing up a difficult topic. Anything from disappointing statistics, to a price they might hate, or observed failures of your organization’s internal processes. When I had to deliver bad news, The Black Swan group provided an almost magical tool called the Accusations Audit. I can tell anyone anything while considering their perspective and what negative emotions they may hold about me, the circumstances, or the news I am about to deliver. It is worth noting that when you are beginning your Black Swan journey, you may be tempted to negotiate your way out of using Accusations Audits.

They can feel like you are admitting something horrible about your company or yourself. If you use the correct structure, you will inoculate your counterparts from negative emotions and help them think clearly. This is no time to deny the negatives that need to be confronted. Instead of trying to work around a sensitive topic with something like, “Our prices are very competitive, and if you act fast, you can lock in the lowest rate,” tell your counterpart the truth, “You may think the price I am about to quote is outrageous.” This will prepare them mentally for what comes next while helping to remove you and the deal as a threat.  

Dynamic Silence is my concealed weapon of choice for putting self-doubt on hold. Keep your curiosity activated, and create an intentional void in the conversation.  Watch and listen to the other person(s) instead of negotiating with yourself.  Your curiosity should be using all your resources.  Interestingly, this technique has the benefit of quieting your inner critic while making it more likely that your counterpart will begin negotiating internally.  Do not let your guard down.  When the other side is silent, you have to be aware that such a change needs to be investigated and not allowed to play on your emotions.  If the other side stops talking and your subconscious mind, your intuition, tells you they may be going in an unproductive or harmful direction, Label your observation!  “It feels like I am failing to be sensitive to something important to you.”    

You probably hate hearing me repeat the exact solution to nearly every problem.

You might think I am asking far too much.

You may wonder if the juice is worth the squeeze.

Practicing the Black Swan Method every day is the price you must pay to get the most out of your interactions. Building confidence in your communication and negotiation skills allows you to focus on the other side and use your inner voice for constructive things like self-labeling to maintain your ability to think clearly.  Have fun with your low-stakes practice, and you will be a force for success in your high-stakes discussions.