Labels are a great way to pinpoint a lot of things in negotiation. Secondarily, if used properly in succession, they are a great way to access tremendous amounts of information without having to reveal a thing. Now we do not condone hiding pieces of information. In fact, often times sensitive information must be shared in order to make sure you have an alignment. However, well placed verbal observations like labels are a great way to execute empathy and sift through a verbal cascade.
Regarding fairness specifically, it is an emotional term. Labels were brought from a world where the only application of them was emotional context. Theoretically a great marriage, but the execution is key. Another term to add to our list of awareness is one that we stole from American Football – situational awareness. Being able to apply the right label based on the context of the situation and persons involved. One example of a label that applies to many situations is “it seems like you are hesitant.” Or “it seems like you have a reason for saying that.” Just like in football where the slant pass play can almost be run on any down, so can these labels be applied to a fairness issue in negotiation. No matter what the reasoning for someone being hung up on the idea of fairness, it is rooted in some form of hesitation, whether due to fear or love. Accessing the reasoning is what we are trying to accomplish.
The When/What question refers specifically to a communication effort to draw someone’s attention to a specific moment in time. For example, “when you said X, what did you have in mind?” People often use fairness to manipulate decision making without having any facts or data to back up their positioning. If they had cold hard facts to present they wouldn’t use the word fair to justify, they would lean on their information. Using this when/what dynamic also gives a strong indication of confronting without the confrontational nature as well. Another example is “When you said you were willing to work with me, what did you have in mind?”.
In the end, we all want to be treated fairly whether missionary or mercenary. What gets in the way is the human condition. Wanted to be treated fairly is a very self-righteous and narcissistic approach. When my view of fair is red, and your view of fair is blue. Which one of us is wrong?