How Negativity Is Silently Destroying Your Relationships—And How to Stop It

Transforming Negativity into Growth: How Tactical Empathy Can Save Your Relationships and Negotiations

Negativity can be one of the most destructive forces in relationships and negotiations. I've seen it time and time again—whether it’s in personal relationships or high-stakes business negotiations, negativity has the potential to kill progress, stifle communication, and shut down opportunities for growth. 

In my experience, when we walk into a situation already carrying a negative mindset, we’re setting ourselves up for failure. Whether we realize it or not, we’re allowing anger, sadness, mistrust, and resentment to take the lead, leaving no room for genuine understanding or progress. This isn’t just about business—it applies to all relationships, including marriages and family dynamics.

If we want to succeed—whether it’s in resolving a conflict at home or negotiating a major business deal—we need to shift our mindset. Instead of viewing the obstacles in front of us through the lens of negativity, we should look at them as adversity, which, unlike negativity, offers an opportunity for growth. As I always say, growth doesn’t come without adversity.

 Negativity as a Barrier to Growth

When you approach a relationship or a negotiation with negativity at the forefront, you are automatically limiting your options. You’re allowing your mind to be consumed with negative assumptions, doubts, and judgments before you’ve even truly heard what the other side has to say. How can you ever reach a solution if you’ve already convinced yourself that the situation is doomed?

In negotiations, particularly in my work with Black Swan, I’ve seen how a cynical mindset can destroy any chance of building trust. In relationships, it’s even more personal. Think about a difficult conversation with a loved one. If you come into that discussion carrying all the hurt, anger, and frustration from the past, how can you possibly have a productive conversation? You’ve already stacked the deck against yourself by letting those emotions run the show. 

But here's the thing—if you're still sitting at the table, there must be something worth fighting for. If you haven't walked away, there’s still hope. That’s where I always remind myself to take a step back, breathe, and remember that adversity isn't just a roadblock—it’s a challenge we can overcome.

 The Role of Perspective and Support

One of the ways I’ve learned to combat negativity is by surrounding myself with the right people. We all have those friends or colleagues we go to when we need to vent. But here’s the danger: if you surround yourself with people who feed into your negativity, it’s only going to grow. You need a team that understands the bigger picture and helps you move forward, not spiral into more anger or frustration.

I’ve had times in my own life when I’ve turned to someone I trust, like Sandy Hein, for perspective. I’ve gone to her venting about family issues or struggles, but instead of fueling the fire, she listens, acknowledges how I feel, and helps me see the situation differently. She labels my emotions, which helps reduce the negative charge, and offers just one positive point that shifts my mindset. It’s amazing how quickly things can turn around when someone helps you see just one positive thing in a sea of negativity.

 The Power of Tactical Empathy

This shift in perspective is exactly what we, as negotiators, refer to as tactical empathy. It’s about deeply understanding the other person’s perspective without immediately jumping in to fix things. In negotiations, tactical empathy means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and truly listening—not just to what they’re saying, but to what’s behind their words. This is a skill that anyone can use, not just negotiators.

For example, one of the worst mistakes you can make in a negotiation—or any difficult conversation—is to jump straight into problem-solving mode. If the person you’re speaking to doesn’t feel heard or understood, they’re not going to be open to solutions. You’ll just trigger them, and the conversation will go downhill fast. It’s essential to let people express themselves fully before you even think about offering solutions.

This holds especially true in relationships. When you're having a tough conversation with someone close to you, don’t rush to fix things right away. Allow them to vent, express their frustrations, and feel heard. This opens up space for both of you to move forward with clarity and understanding. 

Sandy often reminds me that when we’re feeling negative, it’s our own inner voice telling us, “This is going to go terribly.” But once we acknowledge that negativity and label it, we can calm down and regain control of the conversation. It’s a tool I use regularly—both for myself and for others.

Navigating Difficult Conversations

I’ve learned that one of the most important things in a tough conversation or negotiation is to slow down. Don’t expect a solution right away. Some of the hardest negotiations I’ve been a part of have taken hours, days, or even months. The same applies to personal relationships—don’t rush to fix everything in the first conversation. If you’re going into it expecting a quick resolution, you’re probably not fully understanding the other person.

Before a tough conversation, I always take the time to write down a summary of how I think the other person feels. This isn’t about me—it's about making sure I’m prepared to understand them. And you know what? The fewer times I use the word “I” in that summary, the better. The more it’s about them, the more likely I’ll be able to get to a place of mutual understanding.

Conclusion: Turning Negativity into an Opportunity for Growth

At the end of the day, if we want to grow—whether in our personal relationships or our professional negotiations—we need to recognize that negativity only limits us. It clouds our judgment, reduces our options, and prevents us from seeing the bigger picture. Instead, by reframing negativity as adversity, we give ourselves a chance to approach the situation with fresh eyes and a more open mindset.

Tactical empathy is the key to unlocking this change. By listening deeply, staying curious, and focusing on the other person’s perspective, we can move forward in our relationships and negotiations in ways we never thought possible. And when we do that, we don’t just get better outcomes—we build stronger connections with the people around us, whether it’s across the table in a negotiation or across the dinner table at home.