Many people think they can already negotiate. Maybe you have gotten over on a car salesman. Maybe you or someone you work with consistently makes seemingly good deals because you know you have all the leverage. Better yet you pride yourself on collecting yes’s and you’re rights, but for some reason you keep having to go over the same thing with the same people.
Car salesmen are generally not that great at influence. Even the really good salesmen have figured out how to pin most people into a corner and make them pay their price. That’s not a negotiator that’s a bully last I checked, and beating up a bully doesn’t mean you can step in the ring with Mike Tyson.
Influence from a negotiation standpoint has to do the ability to change decisions that have already been made. The communication process of negotiation is a series of decisions that need to be influenced in your favor. Why didn’t they give you a larger cut? Because before they even spoke to you they decided they weren’t going to. You can’t force them to see things your way, they have already made their mind up. Force may be a synonym for influence, but try forcing someone into your car or influencing them to take a ride and see which one gets you jail time.
How do you keep from leaving money on the table? Let’s pick out some basic communication errors that may not be readily apparent.
“Yes” is nothing without how. We focus a lot on price because of what it does to us emotionally. First of all price is only one term in a deal that may require a signed 50pg contract. Price is on the last page in the bottom corner, comparing the importance of price to the rest of the terms is like comparing the size of the earth to the rest of our galaxy. Second when a deal falls apart down the line it generally has nothing to do with the price term. Just because you have an agreement on price doesn’t mean the negotiation is over. Carl Icahn is famous for admitting that when he approaches a negotiation and there is an agreement on price, at best the negotiation is 65% of the way over. Lastly you can have influence on the price term by directing focus to non-monetary issues. You need buy-in from your counterpart in order to implement as a team. What are people more likely to implement, ideas they came up with on their own, or ideas you shoved at them. Make the other side come up with the solution. Use the guided discovery process to help them come up with the solution you want.
If you find yourself getting this type of response from the people you communicate with, whether personal or professional chances are they are sick of talking to you. “You’re right” is very dismissive, especially if used multiple times. What do we tell people when we want them to go away and leave us alone because we are tired of them badgering us…..? But no one would ever say that to you, would they….? The real key is to collect “that’s right”. While it is a subtle change in response it has a major effect on the collaborative effort. “That’s right” equals green light.
Often times in a negotiation we need to know why. Negotiation is an information gathering process. Why someone has taken a certain stance on something or is willing to go in a certain direction is important for us to explore. Unfortunately using “why” questions to do it is counterproductive. Why questions automatically make people defensive, it’s human nature. We always say, “Ignore human nature at your peril”. This is one of the many things that we teach that is true across cultures. Every language has a word for “why” and individuals in every culture gets defensive when you throw “why” questions at them. Try using “what”, almost every question can be rephrased with “what”.
Similar to the automatic response rooted in human nature to the question of “why”. I understand has a similar effect. When people want you to stop talking about your issues and be quiet so they can talk, “I understand” is a common transition. How often does someone say “I understand” and your internal voice responds with “yea this person really gets me, I have a tremendous amount of trust and faith in them” ---- Like never. “I understand” is also very often followed by “but” which is a clear display of non-understanding. Instead of using the words “I understand”, vocalize your understanding. Listening to respond and listening to understand is not the same thing.
Just like many things in life what it takes to actually make a substantial improvement is a very small change. Getting from rapport to influence is easier said than done. Tony Robbins refers to millimeter changes having huge effects, which I totally agree with. Additionally many people are good with the status quo, even if the status quo is slowly killing them. True negotiation prowess is recognizing how to get your counterpart to make decisions in your favor by their own conclusions. The key to negotiation is giving the other side the illusion of control, not exhibiting control with force.
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